First
impressions are everything: We all know that. But did
you realize that first impressions actually begin before your first
date, usually by phone?
Talking on the
phone is a tricky dating stage that
comes after exchanging emails but prior to meeting face-to-face. What
I'm seeing as a matchmaker is that many first dates never happen,
because your potential mate had a negative "pre-first-impression" of
you on the phone.
But not to worry!
After interviewing more than 1,000 single men and women
for my new book, "Have
Him At Hello," I have 7 phone tips that really
work:
1. Watch your
tone. Use a cheerful voice, even if something the
other person says annoys you or you've had a bad day.
2.
Give intentional responses. If the other person says
something vague such as "How are you?", remember that they are not
inquiring about your health or your mood. In the early stages of
getting-to-know-you, everything you say is used to project what type of
person you are. "How are you" is actually a Rorschach test! Use this
vague question to give an intentional response, to share something
about yourself. For example:
Your date says, "How are you?"
You
say, "I'm great! I just returned from an exhilarating run in Central
Park with my best friend from college."
What
does that say about you? It says you are fitness oriented (you run),
you're the type of person who has sustainable relationships (you've
maintained a friend for years since college), and you're an energetic,
positive person ("I'm great!").
Obviously,
don't make anything up, but proactively think of something positive
about yourself that you want to share whenever you're asked a mundane
question.
3. Turn the
tables. Follow up your intentional response with a
related question that lets the other person talk about themselves, such
as "So, do you run? What kind of exercise do you like? " or "How about
you, do you have an old friend you spend time with?"
Finding
a "conversation bridge" from something you said ("So, speaking of
running...") also helps you evaluate in a casual way what type of
person they are, without making them feel as though this is a job
interview and you're ticking off a checklist of
requirements.
4.
Don't grill. Getting other people to talk about
themselves is not the same thing as peppering them with frequent or
mundane questions. There are two elements here: quantity and quality.
Don't ask more than one question per minute (inject comments and
reflections in between questions, make the flow more organic) and don't
grill with boring questions, even if they asked you a boring question
first (avoid: How are you? What are you doing? How was work? Was the
traffic bad?).
5.
Be fun. If there's a lull in the conversation flow,
try to be fun and spark some banter. Pick a neutral, third-party topic,
and ask a question about it. For example, "Hey, did you happen to see
David Letterman last night? He did the Top Ten things overheard waiting
in line to see 'Avatar'. Guess what #1 was?"
Asking
the other person to guess something is a great way to flirt and keep
things interesting. And raising a third-party topic (e.g., The David
Letterman Show) will make you seem easygoing because you aren't like
all the other people probing to find out if they've found Mr. or Ms.
Right (avoid: What do you do for work? Tell me about your parents. Do
you golf?).
6.
Give positive feedback. Make the other person feel
relaxed and confident by acting happy that they called and giving
positive feedback on their conversation skills, even if their phone
skills aren't great (women, take note: The initially shy or awkward
guys usually make better husbands in the long run than the instantly
suave, charismatic ones!). For example, say, "I had a rough day at
work, but your call cheered me up!" or "Oh, that's an interesting
question..."
7.
Know when the party's over. End the conversation
quickly when you sense the energy level dropping. But blame it on an
external factor rather than sounding bored. For example, "Oh, I just
realized it's 9 p.m. and I didn't call my grandma yet to wish her happy
birthday today! So sorry about that, I was really enjoying our
conversation.... But good luck on that big presentation tomorrow, and I
hope to talk to you soon!" This says four things: You're a
family-oriented person (you're calling your grandma, awww... that's
sweet!), you're boosting the other person's confidence so they feel
good being around you (you enjoyed the conversation), you're a good
listener and thoughtful person (you remembered their big presentation
tomorrow), and you're not too needy (you said, "Hope to talk to you
soon" rather than "When will I see you? Will you call me
tomorrow?").
Phone
call duration. 15 minutes is usually a good amount of
time for early-stage getting-to-know-you calls, while 30 to 60 minutes
is appropriate for deepening intimacy as the relationship grows.
Anything longer than that should be saved for in-person on the next
date. Always leave the other person wanting more and feeling
anticipation to see you.
Landline
phone vs. cell phone. Try to speak on a landline phone
whenever possible. There's nothing more irritating than spotty
reception and always saying, "What? Sorry I couldn't hear
you."
What never to
do. While talking on the phone, NEVER chew food or
gum, NEVER go to the bathroom or flush a toilet, even if you mute the
phone (how many times that mute button doesn't work, I can't begin to
count...), NEVER multitask while you're on the phone by checking
email, loading the dishwasher, etc. Give your full attention. It makes
a huge difference!
